The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Read online

  “So, Nagato,” I said. “She’s planning on turning this room into an I-have-no-idea-what club. Is that still okay with you?”

  “Yes.”

  Yuki Nagato answered without taking her eyes from the page.

  “Well, but, it’ll probably be a huge bother.”

  “Not really.”

  “You might even get chased out.”

  “Go ahead.”

  Quick responses were good, but her replies had no feeling to them. It would seem that she genuinely didn’t care.

  “Well. There you have it,” Haruhi interjected. Her voice was always full of life. I was getting a bad feeling about this for some reason.

  “Be sure to meet in this room after school from now on. You had better show up! If you don’t, heads will roll.”

  She said this with a smile like cherry blossoms in full bloom. I reluctantly nodded my assent.

  Since I like my head where it is.

  And so we managed to secure a club room, which was good, but we hadn’t yet made any progress with the paperwork. Besides, we hadn’t even decided on a name or what club activities we’d be engaging in. I told her to figure those out first, but Haruhi apparently had other ideas.

  “That stuff will all fall into place later on,” Haruhi loudly proclaimed. “First comes the members. We need at least two more.”

  Which means what? You’re counting that literary club member? Aren’t you confusing Yuki Nagato with a piece of furniture that came with the room?

  “Rest assured, I’ll find them in no time. I happen to know of someone who was made for this club.”

  How was I supposed to rest assured? My doubts were only growing stronger.

  The next day, I declined when Taniguchi and Kunikida invited me to walk home with them and, having no choice, dragged my legs toward the club room.

  Haruhi just yelled, “You go on ahead!” before tearing out of the room with a record acceleration time that would explain why the track team so fervently pursued her membership. Fast enough to make you wonder if she might have rocket boosters attached to her legs. She was probably off to secure the new club member. Did she finally run into an alien?

  I slung my bookbag over my shoulder and unenthusiastically shuffled my feet in the direction of the literary club.

  Yuki Nagato was already in the club room. She was reading in the exact same position as yesterday, giving me this sense of déjà vu. And just like yesterday, she didn’t even twitch as I entered the room. Not that I would know, but is the literary club just a club for sitting around and reading books?

  Silence.

  “… What’cha reading?” I asked, unable to bear the silence any longer. Instead of answering, Yuki Nagato merely raised the book to show me the cover. The foreign-sounding title, written in gothic lettering, was already putting me to sleep. Looked like a sci-fi novel or something.

  “Is it any good?”

  Yuki Nagato pushed up the bridge of her glasses with a limp motion and replied in a listless tone.

  “Unique.”

  I got the feeling she was just giving an arbitrary answer to my question.

  “Which part of it?”

  “All of it.”

  “You like books, huh?”

  “Relatively.”

  “Is that so….”

  “…”

  Silence.

  Can I leave now?

  I dropped my bag on the table and was in the process of seating myself in one of the extra chairs when the door opened. More like it was kicked open.

  “Hey! Sorry about being late! It took a while to catch her!”

  Haruhi made her entrance with one hand held over her head. Her other hand was behind her, grabbing some other person’s arm. Haruhi barged in with said person in tow, obviously brought here against their will, and locked the door for some reason. Click. Upon hearing that sound, the petite person began trembling with anxiety. It was another girl.

  And an extraordinarily beautiful one at that.

  How is this person “made for this club,” exactly?

  “What is this?” the beautiful girl said. The poor thing was almost in tears.

  “Where are we? Why did you bring me here? Why are you l-locking the door?! What are you…”

  “Be quiet.”

  The girl froze with a start upon hearing Haruhi’s imperious voice.

  “Allow me to introduce you. This is Mikuru Asahina.”

  And with that, Haruhi said no more. That’s the whole introduction?

  A constrained silence fell over the room. Haruhi was standing there looking like she’d already done her duty. Yuki Nagato was reading as though nothing had happened. The mysterious girl named Mikuru Asahina was cowering on the verge of tears. I didn’t foresee any of them speaking up soon so I had no choice but to open my mouth.

  “Where did you abduct her from?”

  “I didn’t abduct her. It was voluntary arrest.”

  Close enough.

  “I caught her daydreaming in a second-year classroom. I walk through every nook and cranny of this school during breaks so her face started to become familiar after a while.”

  I had been wondering why she wasn’t in the classroom during breaks. So that’s what she was doing. Wait, more importantly…

  “Then isn’t she an upperclassman?”

  “What about it?”

  She had a puzzled expression on her face. Apparently, she really didn’t think anything of it.

  “Never mind, then… Uh, Asahina, is it? Why her?”

  “Well, take a look.”

  Haruhi jabbed her finger at the nose of Mikuru Asahina, who shrank in fear.

  “She’s super cute, isn’t she?”

  Haruhi sounded like a dangerous kidnapper. At least that was my reaction.

  “I believe that moe is an essential factor.”

  “… Sorry. What was that?”

  “Moe, you know, turn-ons. The element of turning people on. Fundamentally, in every story where something strange happens, there’s always an alluring, Lolita-looking character present!”

  I inadvertently turned to look at Mikuru Asahina. A petite body and a baby face. I see. An inattentive person could easily mistake her for a grade school student. Her slightly curly chestnut hair softly concealed her collar. Her watery puppy dog eyes begged for protection, and her teeth of white ivory peeking out from within her half-open mouth created a miraculous sense of harmony with her small face. If she had been holding a wand with a glowing ball on top, I’d have expected her to transform into a magical anime girl. Wait, what the hell am I saying?

  “That’s not all!”

  Haruhi circled behind Mikuru Asahina, our upperclassman, with a lofty smile, and suddenly grabbed her from behind.

  “Wahyaa—!” Asahina screamed. Haruhi, undeterred, moved in for the kill as she grabbed hold of her breasts through her sailor uniform.

  “Ahh—!”

  “She’s so small, yet look. Her breasts are bigger than mine. A Lolita face with big breasts. This is an important element of turning people on!”

  News to me.

  “Ah—they sure are big….” With that said, Haruhi reached under Asahina’s uniform and began to grope her.

  Hel-lo?

  “It’s starting to piss me off. Such a cutie’s sporting bigger ones than me!”

  Asahina struggled and kicked, her face bright red, but she couldn’t overcome the difference between their physical builds. Haruhi, getting carried away, began lifting her skirt, which was when I pried the perverted girl off of Asahina’s back.

  “Are you a moron?”

  “But they’re really big! Seriously. Why don’t you touch them?”

  Asahina let out a small squeak upon hearing that.

  “I’ll pass.”

  What else could I say?

  What’s really amazing is that during this whole time, Yuki Nagato hadn’t looked up from her book once. Something was wrong with her too.

  “So then, w
hat? The fact that this… Asahina is cute, small, and has big breasts is why you brought her here?”

  “That’s right.”

  Haruhi must have been born dumb.

  “I was thinking that we need a mascot character like her.”

  Don’t. Think about something else.

  Asahina softly rearranged her disheveled uniform, then stared at me with upturned eyes.

  It’s kind of awkward when you look at me that way.

  “Mikuru, are you in any other clubs?”

  “Um… the calligraphy club…”

  “Quit that then. It’ll conflict with our club activities.”

  Haruhi was as self-centered as ever.

  Asahina looked like a future murder victim who had just been given the option of taking potassium cyanide or strychnine. She glanced up at me once more as if seeking salvation. Then she noticed Yuki Nagato’s presence for the first time, and her eyes opened wide in surprise. Her eyes wandered the room before she whispered, “I see….” in a voice reminiscent of a dragonfly sighing.

  “I understand,” she said.

  What did she just understand?

  “I’ll quit the calligraphy club and join this one.”

  The sadness in her voice really made me feel bad for her.

  “But I’m not sure what the literary club does….”

  “We aren’t the literary club.”

  Haruhi said this like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

  I explained to the wide-eyed Asahina in Haruhi’s place.

  “We’re temporarily borrowing this room. The club you’re being forced into is an unnamed student association, yet to be made by Suzumiya over there, that will participate in unknown activities.”

  “Wha…?”

  “Incidentally, the person sitting there reading is the real literary club member.”

  “Ah…”

  Asahina, adorable lips wide open, became speechless. Couldn’t blame her.

  “No worries!”

  Haruhi, with a bright smile free from any sense of responsibility, firmly brought her hand down onto Asahina’s small shoulder.

  “I just came up with a name!”

  “… Let’s hear it.”

  My voice, carrying no hint of expectation, echoed through the room. If possible, I’d rather not hear this. And Haruhi Suzumiya obviously couldn’t care less about my concerns as she triumphantly named the club in her soaring voice.

  “Attention everyone. The name of this fledging club has just been decided. No alterations have been made. This is purely a product of Haruhi Suzumiya’s mind.

  “SOS Brigade.

  “The Save the World by Overloading it with Fun Haruhi Suzumiya Brigade.

  “Or SOS Brigade for short.”

  Feel free to laugh.

  I was struck dumb first, though.

  You’re probably wondering why it’s a brigade. Originally, it should have been the Save the World by Overloading it with Fun Haruhi Suzumiya Association, but an association hadn’t even been chartered yet, and nobody had a clue as to what this group was supposed to do. “So brigade is fine then.” Haruhi’s incomprehensible words settled the matter. Oh, joy.

  Asahina kept her mouth shut as though resigned to her fate. Yuki Nagato was an outsider. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. Consequently, the name “SOS Brigade” passed with one aye and three abstentions. Oh, joy.

  Just do whatever you want.

  After Haruhi instructed us to meet here after school every day, we were dismissed. The sight of Asahina trudging through the hallway with her shoulders drooped was just too pitiful to watch, so…

  “Asahina.”

  “What is it?”

  Asahina, who didn’t look in any way older than me, tilted her innocent face, pure in essence, toward me.

  “You don’t have to join such a weird group. Don’t worry about her. I’ll talk to her later.”

  “No.”

  She stopped walking, and her eyes narrowed ever so slightly.

  “It’s OK. I’ll join.”

  “But I really doubt this will turn out well.”

  “It’ll be fine. You’re also here, aren’t you?”

  That’s right. Why am I here?

  “This was probably an inevitability on this time plane….” The eyes on her cute, round face looked off into the distance.

  “Huh?”

  “And I’m concerned about why Nagato is here….”

  “Concerned?”

  “Ah. No, it’s nothing.”

  Asahina shook her head in a flustered state. The soft strands of her hair gently swayed.

  Then Asahina, with an embarrassed smile on her face, bowed deeply.

  “I may be new at this, but I hope to get along with everyone.”

  “Well, if you say so….”

  “Also, please feel free to call me Mikuru.”

  She smiled sweetly.

  Yeah. She’s cute enough to make me swoon.

  I was talking to Haruhi one day.

  “What else do you think we need?”

  “Beats me.”

  “I’m thinking about getting my hands on a mysterious transfer student.”

  “I’d like you to define mysterious first.”

  “It hasn’t even been two months since the new term began. Anyone who transfers in at this point must qualify as mysterious, right? Don’t you agree?”

  “Maybe the student’s dad was suddenly transferred.”

  “No, that’s abnormal.”

  “What would you consider normal? I’d like to know that.”

  “I wonder if a mysterious transfer student will show up.”

  “In other words, you don’t give a damn what I think, do you?”

  It would appear that a rumor had spread that Haruhi and I were plotting something.

  “Say, what are you and Suzumiya up to?”

  The person who asked this was obviously Taniguchi.

  “Don’t tell me you two are dating.”

  “Absolutely not.” I’m the one who would like to know exactly what the hell we’re doing.

  “Don’t overdo it. We’re not in middle school anymore. If you render the grounds unusable, they might suspend you.”

  If Haruhi does something by herself, I can’t be bothered to clean up after her. At the very least, I have to prevent Yuki Nagato and Mikuru Asahina from coming to any harm. I’m kind of proud of how considerate I am.

  Though I doubt I have much chance of stopping Haruhi once the afterburners kick in.

  After the SOS Brigade was founded, the literary club room, previously only adorned by a long table, metal chairs, and bookshelves, began accumulating a growing number of items.

  I don’t know where Haruhi got this stuff from, but a portable garment rack sat in the corner of the room along with an electric kettle, teapot, and enough teacups for everyone. The room also had a stereo system without a CD player, a single-compartment fridge in this day and age, a portable gas stove, an earthenware pot, and various eating utensils. What was all of this stuff for? Was she planning on living here?

  Haruhi was currently sitting Indian style with her arms crossed on a desk she had filched from some classroom. And on the desk rested a pyramid on which the words Brigade Chief were written in magic marker.

  “A computer would be nice, too,” she said. “We’re living in the information age and yet we don’t have a single computer. I can’t forgive them.”

  Can’t forgive whom?

  Our members were basically assembled. Yuki Nagato was in her usual position, engrossed in reading some hardcover with a title about some Saturn moon falling. Asahina, who really didn’t need to come but obediently came anyway, was seated in a chair with nothing to do.

  Haruhi leaped off the desk and smiled in my direction, giving me a really ominous feeling.

  “So let’s go scrounge one up.” Haruhi said this looking like a deer hunter off to the hunting range.

  “Scrounge up a computer? Fr
om where? Are you planning on raiding an electronics store?”

  “Of course not. There’s a much closer source.”

  After ordering us to follow her, Haruhi led Asahina and me to our destination, the Computer Research Society two doors down.

  I see.

  “Hold this,” she said as she handed me an instant camera. “I’m going to tell you the plan, so you had better stick to it. Don’t mess up the timing. Understood?”

  Haruhi pulled me down and whispered her “plan” into my ear.

  “Huh? That’s ridiculous.”

  “It’ll be fine.”

  Fine for you, maybe. I glanced at Asahina, who was curiously looking this way, and attempted to make eye contact.

  It would be a good idea to run for it now.

  As I furiously blinked my eyes at her, Asahina looked up at me dubiously, and after applying some kind of twisted logic, she blushed. No good. She wasn’t getting the message.

  In the meantime, Haruhi had calmly opened the door to the Computer Research Society without even knocking.

  “Hello! We’re here to take one set of computer and peripherals!”

  The layout was similar to ours, but this club room was rather cramped. A number of display monitors and computer towers were on the uniformly spaced tables. The low whirring of cooling fans resonated through the room.

  The four male students who had been clattering away on their keyboards turned their attention to Haruhi, standing in their doorway on some kind of mission.

  “Who’s in charge?” Haruhi said rather haughtily with a smile on her face. One of them stood in response.

  “That would be me. Do you need something?”

  “I already told you what I need. I only need one, so just give me a computer.”

  The Computer Research Society president, an unnamed upperclassman, had an expression on his face that plainly asked “What is she talking about?” as he shook his head.

  “No way. School funding wasn’t enough to cover the cost, so we had to save up our own money before we were able to finally buy these just recently. We aren’t blessed with enough equipment to just hand some out to whoever asks for them.”

  “One can’t hurt. You’ve got so many.”

  “Now look here… Wait. Who are you people?”