The Rampage of Haruhi Suzumiya Read online

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  In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

  First released in Japan in 2003, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya quickly established itself as a publishing phenomenon, drawing much of its inspiration from Japanese pop culture and Japanese comics in particular. With this foundation, the original publication of each book in the Haruhi series included several black-and-white spot illustrations as well as a four-page color insert—all of which are faithfully reproduced here to preserve the authenticity of the first-ever English edition.

  PREFACE · SUMMER

  This story happened back before the sigh-filled movie shooting, during our high school’s long summer vacation.

  It was a few days after returning from the SOS Brigade’s summer camp, the staged mystery ordeal on the remote island, and I was finally beginning to enjoy my summer vacation.

  After all, I’d practically been dragged in chains to the so-called camp by our impatient brigade chief on the first day of summer vacation, which put a dent in my meticulous plans for sleeping past noon on the first few days of vacation without anyone yelling at me. This was why my body wasn’t able to switch to summer vacation mode until July was nearly over.

  I shouldn’t need to tell you that I was unable to muster the willpower to tackle the mountain of homework. Hey, I just figured I could put it off till August, so I took it nice and easy, and the next thing I knew, July was already over. Once we hit August, I accompanied my impressively hyper little sister, hopping and skipping all over the place, to the countryside to visit the cousins, nephews, and nieces we hadn’t seen in a while for two weeks of rivers, beaches, mountains, and prairies. Such a satisfying experience that I wanted to brag about it to someone.

  Naturally, I was avoiding the homework I didn’t want to do the same way birds learn to avoid poisonous larvae. As a result, day after day passed on the calendar without a single question’s being answered, and before I knew it August was already half over…

  That was when “it” began without anyone noticing…

  Or so I hear.

  ENDLESS EIGHT

  Something was wrong.

  I first began to notice on a fine summer day after the Bon Festival.

  At the time I happened to be lounging around the living room watching a high school baseball game on TV without being particularly interested. I’d accidentally woken up before noon, so I was pretty bored, though not bored enough to feel like attacking the mountain of summer homework awaiting me.

  The game on TV, between schools from the same district, had nothing to do with me, but the spirit of rooting for the underdog made me cheer for the team on the losing end of the 7–0 score. For some unknown reason, I just had a feeling that Haruhi was about to make trouble.

  I hadn’t seen Haruhi in a while. I’d taken my little sister to the countryside, where my mom had grown up, to beat the heat and pay our respects to our ancestors, and we’d only returned the day before. This was an annual practice that couldn’t be skipped, but then it was summer vacation, so it was only natural that there really weren’t many chances to run into any SOS Brigade members. Besides, we’d already been through the bizarre happenings when we went to that crazy island, aka the SOS summer camp, back when summer vacation had barely started. I was pretty sure that even Haruhi wouldn’t suggest a second trip. She should have been satisfied by now.

  “Anyway.”

  I sighed as I tugged my silent cell phone toward me by the strap ever so casually when something happened to make me wonder if there were any hidden cameras in the room.

  My phone began to ring with what could only be considered perfect timing. For a moment, I thought I’d become prescient, but I immediately shook my head and abandoned the idea. Idiotic.

  “What is it?”

  The name displayed on the phone was none other than Haruhi’s.

  I waited three rings before slowly pressing the Talk button. I had a feeling that I already knew what she was going to say, which made me want to question my sanity.

  “You’re free today, right?”

  That was the first thing out of Haruhi’s mouth.

  “We’re all meeting up in front of the station at two. You better come.”

  And with that, she hung up. No seasonal greeting, not even a simple hello. And she didn’t even check to make sure that I was the one who had answered the phone. Besides, how did she know I was free today? I’m actually quite…well, I suppose I have no plans at all.

  The phone rang again.

  “What?”

  “I forgot to tell you what to bring.”

  She quickly rattled off the necessary items.

  “You’ll need to come on your bicycle. And have plenty of money. Over.”

  She hung up.

  I tossed the phone down and tilted my head. Why do I have this funny feeling, like I’m still dreaming?

  A soft cheer came from the television and I turned to find that the team I’d mentally designated the opposition had reached double digits. The ringing sound of baseballs against aluminum bats made that very clear.

  Summer was almost over.

  I could hear a chorus of chirping cicadas from my vantage point in this tightly sealed room with the AC on at full blast.

  “Guess I have no choice.”

  Still, hadn’t Haruhi been satisfied by the so-called summer camp at the beginning of our break when she took us to that weird island? What are we supposed to do in this suffocating heat? I don’t feel like moving an inch from my nicely air-conditioned room.

  And with that thought, I headed to my closet to assemble the required items.

  “You’re late, Kyon. You need to show some more effort!”

  Haruhi was swinging a vinyl bag around as she jabbed a finger at me with a grumpy look on her face. I see that she never changes.

  “Mikuru, Yuki, and Koizumi were all here before I was. Who do you think you are to keep the brigade chief waiting? You get a penalty! A penalty!”

  I was the last one to arrive at our meeting place. I came fifteen minutes early, but the other members had moved even more quickly, as though they had been expecting Haruhi’s call. This was why I always ended up having to pay, but I was used to that by now. I was just an ordinary human. I had no chance of jumping the gun on three people with such special backgrounds.

  I ignored Haruhi and raised my hand in greeting toward the earnest brigade members.

  “Sorry to keep you waiting.”

  The other two aside, there was one person I needed to apologize to. Mikuru Asahina, adorned with a fancy ribboned hat, flashed me a soft smile as she bowed her head.

  “It’s okay. I just got here myself.”

  Asahina carried a basket in her hands. I had a feeling that there were good things inside, which got me all excited. I wanted to savor that feeling a little longer, but I was interrupted by a voice next to me.

  “It’s been a while. Did you go on another trip afterward?”

  Itsuki Koizumi revealed his glistening white teeth as he gave me a thumbs-up. His suspicious-looking smile hadn’t changed after over half of summer vacation’s passing. You should have gone on a trip yourself. Why did you instantly respond to Haruhi’s summons? There’s no
end to the questions I could ask. Learn how to say no.

  I bypassed Koizumi’s phony cheerful face and turned my eyes to the side. Yuki Nagato stood there blankly, as though she were Koizumi’s artificial shadow. She stood in her summer uniform without a drop of sweat to be seen, a very familiar sight. I had to wonder if she even had sweat glands.

  “… ”

  Nagato looked up at me as though she were staring at a motionless toy mouse and tilted her head slightly. Was that supposed to be a greeting?

  “Well, everybody’s here. Let’s get going.”

  Haruhi raised her voice. I felt obligated to ask.

  “Where to?”

  “The public pool, obviously.”

  I looked down at the duffel bag in my right hand, which contained a towel and swim trunks. Well, I knew that we would be heading for some pool.

  “You’re supposed to do summerlike activities in the summertime. Only swans or penguins would enjoy swimming in the middle of winter.”

  They spend the entire year in water, and they don’t particularly seem to enjoy themselves. I’m not the kind of person to accept an irrelevant comparison in an argument.

  “Time never comes back once it’s gone. So we have to do this now, during our only summer as freshmen in high school!”

  Haruhi was in her usual rhythm with no intention of listening to what anyone else had to say. The other three members never bother wasting their time on offering Haruhi an opinion, which meant that I was the only one whose suggestions went ignored. From a rational point of view, that was pretty unreasonable, but I was the only rational person here, so this was apparently my fate. Not much of a fate.

  I began pondering the difference between fate and destiny.

  “We’re going to the pool by bicycle.”

  Haruhi announced her plan and proceeded to put it into action, despite the fact that nobody had agreed to it.

  Upon asking, I learned that Koizumi had also been told to come on his bicycle. The three girls had walked here. I should mention that there were a total of two bicycles. The SOS Brigade had five members. Well, how does she intend to solve this problem?

  Haruhi’s answer came in a cheerful voice.

  “We can have two ride one bike and three ride the other. Koizumi, you’re carrying Mikuru. Yuki and I will ride behind Kyon.”

  And so I found myself frantically pedaling away. I could deal with the sweltering heat and dripping sweat, but something needed to be done about the incessantly yapping voice behind my head that sounded like a speakerphone with a busted volume control.

  “C’mon, Kyon! Koizumi’s getting ahead of you! Pedal harder! Pick up the pace! Blow by him!”

  Through my hazy vision, I could see Asahina wave shyly at me from her position sitting sideways on the rack of Koizumi’s bicycle. How come Koizumi gets that and I’m stuck with this? I had to wonder if the word “unfair” had originated from the very situation I was in.

  My bicycle and legs were struggling to endure this crippling load. Nagato was sitting on the rack while Haruhi was standing on the hub of the back wheel and holding on to my shoulders, a somewhat acrobatic way for three people to ride together. When did the SOS Brigade become a circus?

  Incidentally, Haruhi said the following before we departed:

  “Yuki’s so small that she’s practically weightless.”

  That was, in fact, the case. I don’t know if she set her own weight to zero or used some kind of antigravity trick, but I could feel only Haruhi’s weight as I pedaled away. Well, I wasn’t particularly surprised by the fact that Nagato was manipulating gravity. Hell, I’m more interested in finding out what she isn’t capable of doing.

  I wouldn’t have had any complaints if she could also have done something about Haruhi’s weight, but I could still feel her against my back.

  I could see Koizumi peering back at me over Asahina’s head while trying to hide that irritating smile of his, leaving me to lament in a Balzacian manner. Like the writer, I pondered how hilariously unjust our world was. Damn, I absolutely have to enjoy the experience of riding with Asahina. I’m sure that my granny bike felt the same way.

  The public pool was so shoddy that it might as well have been called a communal pool. After all, there were only a 150-foot pool and a six-inch-deep pond for little kids.

  The only high schoolers who would come to swim at this pool were the ones who couldn’t find anywhere else to go, or, in other words, us. There were only kids and their parents—mothers, for the most part—around. I took one look at the crush of kiddies in their swim rings and immediately lost interest. It appeared that Asahina would be the only one to entertain my optical sense.

  “Yep, the smell of chlorine. It really brings out the atmosphere.”

  Haruhi stood under the sun in a crimson tankini and sniffed at the air with her eyes closed. She exited the changing room with a firm grip on Asahina’s hand. Asahina, with her basket in one arm, was dressed in a childish, frilly one-piece, while Nagato was in some kind of plain racing swimsuit. Haruhi probably chose their swimsuits. She didn’t give a damn about her own attire, but she tended to make a fuss about what other people (especially Asahina) were wearing.

  “Anyway, let’s find a place to dump our stuff. Then we can go swim. Let’s race. See who can swim from one end to the other the fastest.”

  And after making that juvenile proposition, she jumped into the pool without any stretching. Can’t she read the NO DIVING signs all over the place?

  “Hurry it up! The water’s all warm and comfortable!”

  I shrugged and exchanged a look with Asahina before walking toward a nearby patch of shade to set down my towel and bag.

  There were kids littered across the surface of the water like an outbreak of water striders, making it impossible to swim in a straight line. The brigade members were forced into a fifty-meter freestyle race under these harsh conditions that yielded a surprising result, or not really, I guess. Either way, the first person to reach the other side was Nagato.

  Apparently she swam the entire length submerged, without ever coming up for a single breath. She waited at the goal with water dripping from the strands of her short hair that were stuck to her face as she silently watched us arrive. It goes without saying that Asahina was last. She had to stop every time she took a breath and throw back a beach ball that happened to land nearby before finally reaching the other side, after taking ten times as long as Nagato had, by which time she was completely out of breath.

  “The idea of using sports to blow off stress is just a sham. Your body and mind are separate. I mean, you don’t have to think for your body to move, but you have to think for your mind to work.”

  Haruhi had a look on her face like she’d just said something profound.

  “That’s why we should race again. Yuki, I won’t lose this time!”

  Didn’t an adult ever teach her that you’re supposed to make sense when you talk? What kind of logic was that? You just don’t want to lose. It’ll be a contest of endurance until you win.

  That was why I hoped Nagato would understand the situation as I hauled myself out of the pool. The two of you can race by yourselves. I’ll be sitting by the pool as a spectator. My money’s on Nagato. Anyone want to bet on Haruhi?

  Haruhi and Nagato made the fifty-meter swim five more times in both directions before the three female members of the SOS Brigade joined a group of grade-schoolers nearby who happened to be playing with a ball. Koizumi and I, bored out of our minds, could only watch as the girls played in the water, since there was nothing else to do.

  “They seem to be enjoying themselves.”

  Koizumi continued to watch them as he spoke.

  “Quite a pleasant sight. And it feels peaceful. Wouldn’t you agree that Suzumiya is learning to have fun in a normal fashion?”

  He seemed to be talking to me, so I responded.

  “I wouldn’t consider calling me with no warning and hanging up the second her business was finished a n
ormal way to invite someone.”

  “As they say, there’s no time like the present to act on an idea.”

  “Has she ever hesitated to act on an idea the second it’s out of her mind?”

  Images of the ridiculous baseball game and giant cave cricket flashed through my mind.

  Koizumi smiled.

  “Nevertheless, this would be considered relatively peaceful. There shouldn’t be any earthshaking events when Suzumiya has such a cheerful smile on her face.”

  Sure hope you’re right.

  I’m not sure how he interpreted my exaggerated sigh as he chuckled with a snort—

  —That was when Koizumi got a weird look on his face. One I wasn’t accustomed to. In other words, he didn’t have that thin smile.

  “Hmm?”

  Koizumi’s brow creased.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “Nothing… ”

  Koizumi appeared to be tongue-tied, a rare sight, but he soon recovered his smile.

  “Probably just my imagination. I must have become a little oversensitive after everything that’s happened since spring. Ah, they’re coming out of the water.”

  I looked in the direction Koizumi was pointing to see Haruhi walking over like an emperor penguin bringing food to its chicks, with a wide smile on her face. Asahina and Nagato trailed after her like servants accompanying a princess who was running away from the castle.

  “It’s almost time to eat. Guess what? Mikuru made sandwiches. You could sell them on the street for five thousand yen or auction them off for at least five hundred thousand. But you get to eat them for free, so you should be grateful.”

  “Thank you very much,” I said to Asahina.

  Koizumi followed my lead and bowed his head.

  “How very kind of you.”

  “It was nothing.”

  Asahina looked down shyly as she fidgeted with her fingers.

  “I don’t know if I did a very good job…I apologize if they taste bad.”