The Boredom of Haruhi Suzumiya Read online

  “The school field.”

  I could hear the soft sounds of the members of the baseball team going “Hey, batta, batta” through the open window.

  By the way, I know I shouldn’t just mention this out of nowhere, but the truth is that the other four people in the club room aren’t ordinary humans for various reasons. Haruhi’s the only one who doesn’t realize what she is. The other three revealed their identities to me unsolicited and urged me to understand their situation. Their claims were so far beyond my comprehension that if my common sense were to be considered Earth, they would have been somewhere out past Pluto’s orbit. However, after my experiences during the previous month, I had learned that apparently it was all true. I didn’t really want to know that, but you could say that ever since I was included as one of Haruhi’s flunkies, my wishes have had almost no chance of being granted.

  Simply put, Asahina, Nagato, and Koizumi were in this school because Haruhi was. Everybody seemed to be extraordinarily concerned about Haruhi.

  As far as I could tell, she was just a hyper girl, but apparently I was the only one who felt that way, and my conviction had begun to waver in recent days.

  I swear. My head hasn’t snapped.

  The world has.

  And so, I was standing on the dusty sports grounds along with the other brigade members who had strayed off the beaten track.

  The members of the baseball team who had been chased out of their practice space were shooting us annoyed looks. That was to be expected. This strange group of people showed up out of nowhere, and then the leader, a girl in a sailor uniform waving a bat around, started yelling unintelligible things, leaving them dumbfounded. The next thing they knew, the baseball team’s allotted space on the grounds had been occupied and they’d been ordered to fetch and toss balls. If that isn’t considered annoying, I have no idea what is.

  Plus our group was a bunch of people in regular school uniforms with a nurse mixed in.

  “Let’s start with a thousand hits!”

  Per Haruhi’s announcement, a rain of hits came pelting down on the bunch of us who were standing in a line near the pitcher’s mound.

  “Eek—”

  Asahina crouched down, covering her head with her glove. I turned toward the incoming white balls, determined to prevent her from being hit. At any rate, Haruhi was sending out a real flurry of killer lasers. She’s a pro at whatever she does.

  Koizumi had his usual smile on his face as he blithely fielded hits.

  “Indeed, it’s been a long time. This brings back memories.”

  Koizumi bared his white teeth at me as he lightly stepped around Haruhi’s wild barrage. If this is such a breeze for you, help cover Asahina.

  I glanced at Nagato to find her standing erect facing forward. She stood perfectly still, paying no attention to any balls that flew her way. She didn’t even flinch when a ball passed her ear by mere millimeters. Occasionally, she would slowly move the glove on her left hand with robotic motions to catch and drop only the balls that were on a collision course with her. You could move a little more, you know. Or am I supposed to praise your dynamic visual acuity?

  I probably shouldn’t have been paying any attention to other people as a ball took a weird hop and grazed the bottom of my glove, landing a direct hit on Asahina’s knee. What a mistake.

  “Wah!”

  The nurse version of Asahina shrieked.

  “It hurts…”

  She began sobbing. I couldn’t watch anymore.

  “Take care of the rest,” I said to Koizumi and Nagato before I helped Asahina up and moved outside the white line.

  “Hey! Where are you going?! Kyon! Mikuru! Come back here!”

  “She’s retiring due to injury!”

  I raised one hand to counter Haruhi’s protest as I took Asahina’s arm and headed for the nurse’s office. A much more appropriate place for her nurse outfit than the dusty club room or the rough sports grounds.

  Asahina, with one hand covering her tearing eyes, apparently didn’t realize I was the person she was clinging to until we were already in the hallway.

  “Eek!”

  She jumped away, releasing a little shriek so cute I wanted to record it, and looked up at me me with a slightly red face.

  “Kyon, if you’re so nice to me… it’ll happen again…”

  What will happen again? I shrugged.

  “Asahina, you can go home now. I’ll tell Haruhi that it’ll take two days to recover from the hit to your leg.”

  “But…”

  “Don’t worry. It’s all Haruhi’s fault anyway. There’s no need for you to worry.”

  I waved my hand. Asahina looked up at me with her face lowered. Her teary eyes made her twice as sexy.

  “Thank you.”

  Asahina flashed me a smile so lovely my knees were buckling, as she turned back to look at me, before reluctantly walking away. Haruhi could learn a thing or two about how to behave by watching her. It’d do her a world of good.

  When I returned to the sports grounds, I found that fielding practice was still going on. What amazed me was that the members of the baseball team were doing the fielding while Koizumi and Nagato stood behind the fence.

  Koizumi smiled cheerfully upon spotting me.

  “Why, hello there. Welcome back.”

  “What’s she doing?”

  “Exactly what it looks like. It would seem that we weren’t responsive enough for her as she’s been that way for a while.”

  She had perfect control. Every ball she hit flew exactly where she said it would.

  The three of us had nothing to do as we watched Haruhi’s impressive batting before that crazy girl finally set down the bat and wiped the sweat off her brow, looking satisfied. Koizumi spoke with an amused look on his face.

  “Quite amazing. That was exactly one thousand hits.”

  “The fact that you counted to one thousand is what’s amazing.”

  “…”

  Nagato turned around in silence. I followed her lead.

  “Say,” I proposed to the petite, sailor uniform–garbed girl, who was turned sideways. “Could you make it rain on the day of the game? Something big enough to cancel it?

  “It is possible.”

  Nagato responded plainly as she continued walking.

  “However, it is not recommended.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Alterations to the local environmental data may result in aftereffects to this planet’s ecosystem.”

  “How long will it be before these aftereffects show up?”

  “Between a few centuries and ten millennia.”

  That won’t be for a while.

  “Then I guess we probably shouldn’t.”

  “Yes.”

  Nagato nodded her head about five millimeters as she continued walking at a fixed pace.

  I turned to look behind me and saw Haruhi, still in her school uniform, on the mound ready to begin pitching.

  Two days later. Sunday. 8 AM on the dot.

  We met at the city sports grounds. There were two baseball fields adjacent to the track. Each game would last five innings. The top four teams would be determined by evening, and the semifinal and final matches would be held next Sunday so it was a two-week tournament. There were many other teams around but we looked pretty out of place since our team was the only one in school gym uniforms. Almost all of the other participants were wearing baseball jerseys. And this was the first time I’d seen Nagato in something besides her school uniform, but I digress.

  I found out afterward that this baseball tournament actually had some history behind it (it was only the ninth one, though) and was apparently a fairly serious competition. In that case, I wish they’d rejected Haruhi at the front desk.

  By the way, a single phone call was all it had taken to garner ready consent from Taniguchi and Kunikida. Taniguchi was in it for Asahina and Nagato while Kunikida just said, “Sounds like fun,” and decided to join in. Good thing th
ey’re simple-minded.

  The second-year Asahina had brought along to help was named Tsuruya. A cheerful girl with hair as long as Haruhi’s had been who was looking at me.

  “So you’re Kyon? I’ve heard a lot about you from Mikuru. Hmm… Heh…”

  As she was talking, Asahina became noticeably flustered. What did she say about me?

  And then, Haruhi was currently staring at the fourth member, brought by me.

  “Kyon, come here for a second.”

  Haruhi dragged me to the side of the tournament’s main tent with an iron grip.

  “What are you thinking? You’re going to have that thing play baseball?”

  Thing is a bit rude now. That thing’s still my sister.

  “She introduced herself as a ten-year-old fifth grader. She’s such a sweet little girl that it’s hard to believe she’s related to you. So anyway, she would do fine if this were Little League, but the baseball tournament we’re entering is open to the general public!”

  It’s not as though I brought my sister without any thinking. This was by design, careful and thorough. Here was my logic. The fact of the matter was that I had absolutely no interest in waking up early on Sunday morning to engage in athletic activity. I had no control over the forces that had brought me to this place on this day. In which case, it would only be natural for me to want to get this over with as soon as possible. In other words, we just needed to lose fast and go on home. Considering the members we had besides my sister, we already had no chance of winning our first match. Regardless, this was Haruhi we’re talking about. Watch us end up winning by accident. That would definitely be a pain. It was necessary to add a factor to guarantee our loss. With an amateur grade school girl added into the mix, it’d be a joke if we won.

  I couldn’t tell Haruhi, but I did, in fact, have a working human brain of my own.

  “Hmph, whatever.”

  Haruhi snorted as she turned to the side.

  “It’s a good enough handicap. I’d feel bad if we slaughtered the other team.”

  Apparently, she is seriously intent on winning. I wonder how.

  “By the way, we haven’t decided on a batting order or positions yet. What are we going to do?”

  “I already thought that through,” Haruhi said with a satisfied smirk on her face as she took some folded-up pieces of paper out of her pocket. We just found out who our roster would be. What was she going to base her selection on?

  “You don’t have any problems with deciding through this, right?”

  Eight lines were drawn on each sheet of paper. There were two sheets. It looked like ladder lottery to me. Maybe I was hallucinating?

  “What are you talking about? It’s obviously a lottery. One for batting order and one for field position. Also, I’m the pitcher and leadoff.”

  “… So all you came up with was the method for deciding?”

  “What’s with that look on your face? Got a problem with it? It’s a democratic method. They used lottery to choose government officials in ancient Greece!”

  Don’t compare the ancient Greek government system to modern Japanese batting order selection. And you’re the only one who gets to choose your own position. How is that democratic?

  … Oh, well. This should mean that it’ll take even less time for us to lose. When they were explaining the rules earlier, I remembered hearing that the game would be called if one team was up by ten. I should start getting ready to go home now. After all, our opponents for the first match were the three-time defending champions and the leading candidates to win this tournament.

  The Kamigahara Pirates. A local college baseball team. I’d have to say that they would be considered a hardcore club. They looked dead serious. Every member was here to win. It was obvious just from watching them warm up. All of them were pumped up and shouting as they practiced throwing the ball home and setting up double plays. They were the real deal. Quite frankly, they just had a different look in their eyes. For a moment, I was starting to wonder if we were in the wrong place, before I looked at our surroundings and confirmed that we were at the city sports ground hosting the baseball tournament.

  I had been fine with losing, but I was starting to want to escape reality. Our team was so pathetic that I wanted to apologize to the other team.

  As I plotted how to flee in the face of the enemy, Haruhi made us all stand in a line.

  “I’m going to explain our strategy now. Everybody do exactly as I say.”

  She sounded like a manager.

  “Okay? First of all, do whatever it takes to get on base. Once you’re on, steal your way to third base. Batters should hit strikes and ignore balls. Simple, right? By my calculations, we can score at least three runs an inning.”

  That may be what the calculations inside Haruhi’s brain are saying, but I have to wonder where she gets all her confidence from. Obviously, it doesn’t come from anywhere. After all, she’s the very embodiment of unwarranted confidence. However, most people in this world would call such a person an “idiot.” And this is no mere idiot. She reigns at the top of the food chain of the idiot world. The queen of idiots!

  Allow me to inform you of the starting roster for Team SOS Brigade as determined by the god of fortune.

  Leading off is pitcher Haruhi Suzumiya. Batting second is right fielder Mikuru Asahina. Batting third is center fielder Yuki Nagato. Batting cleanup is the second baseman, yours truly. Batting fifth is the left fielder, my sister. Batting sixth is catcher Itsuki Koizumi. Batting seventh is first baseman Kunikida. Batting eight is third baseman Tsuruya. Batting ninth is shortstop Taniguchi.

  There you have it. No subs. No manager. No fans.

  Once we had finished lining up and greeting the other team, Haruhi promptly went to the batter’s box. Since we’d completely forgotten about those things called helmets, the staff lent us some secondhand white ones. As for the stuff we’d brought ourselves, there were enough yellow megaphones for the whole team courtesy of Haruhi.

  Haruhi pushed up the brim of her helmet as she raised the metal bat she’d stolen from our school baseball team and flashed a cocky grin.

  The umpire called for us to play ball, and the opposing team’s pitcher began his windup motion.

  The first pitch.

  Clang.

  A metallic sound rang through the air as the white ball flew a fair distance, passing over the head of the center fielder backing up furiously and hitting the fence after one hop. By the time the ball came back to the infield, Haruhi was already on second base.

  I wasn’t particularly surprised. I would expect Haruhi to do this well. Asahina and Koizumi probably felt the same way and I’m guessing Nagato doesn’t know how to be surprised. However, the remaining members, without exception, had astonished looks on their faces as they stared at Haruhi repeatedly pumping her fist up and down. Especially the ones on the other team.

  “That pitcher is totally weak! The rest of you follow my lead!” Haruhi shouted cheerfully. But it completely backfired. The opposition no longer felt like holding back just because they were facing girls.

  Our second batter, Asahina, was wearing a helmet too big for her head as she nervously stood in the batter’s box.

  “P-Please go easy on me—Eek!”

  A high inside fastball flew by before she even finished speaking. Those bastards. If you hit Asahina, there will be dire consequences. Immediate brawling.

  Asahina was still as a statue as she watched the second pitch fly by. Once the umpire announced that the batter was out, she returned to the bench, noticeably relieved.

  “Hey! Why aren’t you swinging the bat?!”

  Haruhi appears to be saying something, but we can just ignore her. All that matters is that Asahina is safe.

  “…”

  Our third batter was Nagato. She wordlessly walked to the batter’s box, dragging the tip of the metal bat along the ground.

  “…”

  She let every pitch go by and was immediately struck out
. She then silently returned and turned to the next batter, me.

  “…”

  She handed me the helmet and bat before mutely sitting down on the bench and going back to being a prop.

  Haruhi’s angry yelling was getting annoying. Well, it was her fault for expecting anything from Asahina and Nagato.

  “Kyon! You’d better get a hit! You’re batting cleanup!”

  What can you possibly expect from a cleanup chosen through lottery?

  I followed Nagato’s lead and stood in the batter’s box, without saying a word.

  The first pitch I let go was a strike. I was surprised. It was pretty fast. You could even hear the swooshing sound of the ball slicing through the air. I had no idea how fast it was, but I could barely see it. In fact, I saw the pitcher throw the ball, and the next thing I knew, it was in the catcher’s mitt. Haruhi doubled off a pitch like this?

  The second pitch. I tried swinging. The metal bat sliced through empty air. Swing and a miss. Didn’t even touch the ball. I doubt it’s going to happen.

  The third pitch. Whoa, the ball curved. Was that what they call a curveball? If I hadn’t swung, it would have missed the outside corner and been a ball, but I swung and it was all over. Three consecutive strikeouts. Three outs. Change sides.

  “Moron!”

  The opposing team returned to their bench as Haruhi yelled and waved her hands from the middle-left side of the infield.

  Feeling pretty ashamed.

  Our defense, quite frankly, had more holes than an anthill in a savanna.

  The outfield was especially horrendous. First of all, Asahina was in right field and my sister was in left and neither of them was going to be catching any fly balls. We found that out during pregame warm-ups. So when the ball flew toward right field, it was me, the second baseman, and when the ball flew toward left, it was Taniguchi, the shortstop, who had to run at full speed to where the ball was falling. Whenever Asahina saw the ball flying toward her, she would crouch down and cover her head with her glove, so we couldn’t expect anything from her. My sister, on the other hand, would cheerfully run after the ball before watching it drop three meters away from where she was, so that was another lost cause.